A Gift For Life Book

Confusion

As the numbness wears off, many feelings begin to surface - strong feelings that seem to be all mixed together. At this point we tend to feel unsure of what it is we think or believe because it seems to change from day to day. We feel that our emotions are out of control. Talking about and writing down your feelings can be helpful in gaining some clarity during this period of confusion.

Feelings

The feelings that surface for us after a loss relate to the cause of death and our relationship to that person. If the death was expected we may have had time to say "good-bye". However, when the death is caused by suicide, sudden illness, homicide or an accident there is no time for "good-bye" or to take care of unfinished business with the individual. These factors tend to complicate the grieving process and intensify the feelings. Some of the feelings we experience in relationship to a loss are described below.

Fear

Fear is a normal reaction to the sudden and unexpected death of another person because we are confronted with how helpless we are in the face of death and that bad things can happen to us. The universe no longer feels like a safe place. This sense of vulnerability is compounded by the fact that we must go on living without that special person. Since we do not know what this will be like, the future seems uncertain and scary.

Anger

Anger stirs within us when someone we love is snatched away by death. It is quite natural to be angry because we feel abandoned and victimized. Even when our loved one did not have control over his or her death, we are angry at him or her for leaving us.

Some of us get angry at God while others express the anger toward the medical system for not being able to save the person. It is important that you express feelings of anger - failure to do so can result in depression.

Guilt

Guilt is present when we feel that we "should have" or "could have" done something to prevent the death and when we have unfinished business with the person who has died. We often show our guilt by being angry at others when we are really angry at ourselves. You may find yourself saying things like: "If only I had not let him use the car that night", or "If only I had told her that I am sorry for what I said during the argument." These statements show the reasons behind your guilt. Since guilt can negatively affect how you feel about yourself it needs to be resolved.

Emptiness and Loneliness

Emptiness and loneliness occur because a part of us goes with our loved one. The emptiness is felt both inside of ourselves and in the world around us. No one can fill the empty spot or take away the loneliness because the relationship you had with that person was unique. Learning to live without the loved one is the most difficult task of the grieving process.

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