A Gift For Life Book

What is Grief?

Grief is the emotional suffering we experience when we lose someone or something that is important to us. It is a healthy and normal response and a necessary process for adjusting to living without the one we love. Grieving is the work we must do before we are able to fully embrace life again.

Each of us grieves in our own unique way - and the way we express our grief is determined by our culture, earlier experiences with loss, sex role and age. Some cultures permit and even encourage open expression of feelings while others discourage it. Men and women demonstrate their grief differently because of the way they have been socialized. As children we express grief as it relates to our level of understanding, age and the way significant adults share their grief with us. Because each of us is different in our upbringing and experiences, it is important that we respect each other's way of dealing with grief.

The Grieving Process

The grieving process involves several phases which are experienced by each of us in our own way and on our own timetable. Most of us respond initially to a sudden death with shock and disbelief. We just cannot believe what has happened. This is what leads to a period of denial because we do not want to believe the person is dead. As we slowly begin to accept the reality of the death we often feel confused. This confusion is made up of many feelings that seem to fight with one another. It is in recognizing the feelings and expressing them that we can begin to feel better. Dealing with the feelings helps us to learn more about the meaning of our relationship with the person and the impact of its loss on our lives. It is in this process that healing of our grief begins. With this healing comes a sense that life is beginning to feel normal again. The following is a description of common reactions and feelings you may experience as you grieve for the one you love.

Shock and Disbelief

Shock and disbelief are the most common reactions to the sudden death of a loved one. The general feeling at this time is one of numbness which allows us to function and thereby helps us to accomplish what we need to do regarding the death. This numbness is nature's way of protecting us from becoming overwhelmed by the impact of the loss.

There may also be physical symptoms in the first weeks. These can include aching in the chest and arms, heart palpitations, feelings as though you cannot get a deep enough breath, or constant sighing. If your loved one was ill you may find that you are experiencing similar symptoms. Your appetite and sleep patterns may be affected and you may experience nightmares. Some people experience visions of the dead person or think they hear them crying or calling out. If this happens, you may wonder if you are going crazy. You are not. This is a normal response to the loss of a loved one and it disappears in time.

Denial

When we experience a tragedy we do not want to believe it has happened. This is why you may find yourself wondering, at times, if this is just a bad dream and you will soon awaken to find that it is not true. You may feel the need to tell the story over and over again which can help convince you of its truth. To move forward in the grieving process it is necessary to accept the reality of the death. Acceptance comes in time and may increase your feelings of loneliness and sadness. When you can no longer deny the death you have a greater sense of the loss and its effect on your life.

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